What is Fear Keeping You From?
As I prepared for my two-month solo trip in Europe during a global pandemic, I was asked repeatedly, “Aren’t you afraid?” And not five or six times. A slew of people put the question to me, with a wary look in their eye, clearly not sold on this idea.
At first, I laughed and said, “Nope,” and let the conversation meander off from there. But then I started to get curious. Too many people were asking to continue to brush it off. What did they think I should be afraid of? And would everyone respond the same way if I turned their query back on them?
So I began to say, “what would you be afraid of if you were me?” “There are terrorists all over Europe just looking for a woman to throw in their trunk never to be seen or heard from again!” Ah, no. Not worried about that one.
“What if something happens to you over there? What if you get Covid-19” Uh, bought travel health and transport insurance. I have copies of passport, licenses, and credit cards in several places. I have an emergency contact on the lock screen of my phone so that anyone can see it if they click the button. My daughter can track my whereabouts on her phone all the time. I can wash my hands, wear a mask, stay six feet away from people, stay off of public transportation, quarantine, or self-isolate if I get it, and then go to the hospital if I need it. In other words, I have lowered the risks. All Good.
But the fact that I am on this trip proves that I am conquering fear. (I have heard that there are 365 instances of “Fear not” in the Bible, one for every day of the year. I have never counted them, but it sounds about right, huh? We probably need that message e’ryday!) But if He says “fear not,” you can bet that means its possible. To live NOT fearing. Or fearing a lot less.
Tearing down those hedges. I have found that pressing in until I can name what I’m afraid of, with specificity, makes all the difference. Truth is, my biggest fear on this trip is wasting the opportunity I have. Just typing that turns my stomach. But what the heck does that mean anyway? Who gets to decide? How would I measure that? So that fear is not stealing squat from me! Every single day, I am being purposeful with the opportunity.
I am working on learning Italian. (Who doesn’t want to speak a romance language???) I am learning calligraphy. (K, honestly, I am not good, but I love trying.) I am writing a blog. (I had not planned on this one, but what the heck!) I am writing a fiction novel. (Did I mention this? Ha! 18 chapters and 50,000 words are already on the page! Woohoo!)
“Will you be safe in your Airbnb? You don’t know the person who is hosting. You don’t know the neighborhood! Are there other people staying there? Men, perhaps?” I chose a highly recommended host. I asked about door locks. I checked the neighborhood on Google maps. Again, did my homework. Chances are high that I will be fine.
“Well, who knows what could happen! What if your phone dies, and no one speaks English around you and you’re stranded with no food?” No real answer for that one since I am pretty sure the risk that all of that would happen at one time is minuscule.
But what was most surprising was the heavy pause that came before the responses, as if the fear was undefinable or intangible. “Safety, I guess, I don’t know. I just know I would be scared,” they said. So I asked a few, “then would you stay home?” And all of them said, “yeah, probably. It just makes me too nervous.”
I am regarding my own desires. (whew, we women suck at this.) I am learning to rest. (we might suck worse at this.) I am healing from years and years of driving myself like a relentless taskmaster to prove my worth and value. (k, that one’s a MAMA.) And I am building intimacy with God, His Son and His Holy Spirit. (Priceless!)
How could I ever get to the other side and say I am wasting this time? Oh, and by the way, only I get to decide that. Ain’t no other opinions welcome up in here! (This is new for me, this whole ‘only listening to my voice’ ~& God since he is always welcome~ on personal matters, and a VERY GOOD thing.)
So, fellow life sojourners, name the fear behind your hesitancy, stress, anxiety, insomnia (i.e. hedges). Take it apart, expose it to the light, wrestle it to the ground. Sometimes you will have to confess it and ask for help. A lot. Sometimes you will have to grieve your loss. Sometimes you will have to create a plan of attack, evaluate the risk, face the worst case scenario and debunk it, or kick it off the table because it has no real teeth to it. Sometimes you will have to eat chocolate.
And sometimes, you will have to save and plan and prepare and go on a two month solo trip to Europe.
